Thursday, November 3, 2016

What I know today I wish I knew a Year ago



One year ago I felt like things were crumbling around me. Two years ago we had to leave our house. A house I had been in since I was 18 years old. A house I was proposed to in. A house  I had lived in with my Grandma until she passed away. And some not so good memories. Like when the basement flooded. Or the ceiling started to fall down.

But, it was what I had known for a really long time. So, we ended up moving into an apartment.

But, it seemed that it wouldn't last. I am not going to blame anyone but we had to move out quickly. And it was not by choice. I was devastated. I felt like I was finally settling in and things were getting better. Then I had the rug pulled out from underneath me. On top of that I was severely sick. Trying to pack when you have pneumonia is not fun. I had just gotten out of the hospital. I was crying and packing and scared out of my mind. I literally had no where to go. I thought I was going to have to give up my cats and that completely broke my heart.

I had a relative offer to take me in. That saved me but it was no piece of cake. I am thankful but personalities clashed and it was a very depressing time for me. I am just grateful I got to keep my kitties.

There where many nights I cried and wondered how this happened. Maybe if I had made different choices in my life this wouldn't have happened. I felt like my anxiety was a hindrance on me and it held me back from living my life to the fullest. I blamed myself. I decided it was time to start getting out of my comfort zone and facing my fears. A few times I did things I normally wouldn't I felt like my heart was going to leap out of my chest. But, I made it through. Don't get me wrong I don't plan on going to a rock concert anytime soon. But, I've gotten out my comfort zone and dealt with my anxiety in many different ways. I'm a lot better then I used to be.

If I could go back I'm not sure if I would change anything. I truly do believe that everything happens for a reason. I would tell myself that things will get better then worse then better. But, that you are a survivor. You always make it through. Even in the dark times you pull yourself through it. Even when you feel like giving up don't because things will get better. They always do. I would of told myself how proud of myself I was for taking baby steps and facing my fears. And even if things didn't work out as planned don't regret the chances I took. Even if they seemed small to others they were huge to me. Yes maybe there were some things I would change. I really learned the importance of taking care of myself. Something I'm still trying to implement into my life. But, in the end it all worked out. I did eventually find an apartment and I didn't lose my cats. I'm still facing my fears and growing as a person on a daily basis. This is not the end of the road of my journey. I know I will face more ups and downs but I feel prepared to handle them. Something I wouldn't have probably said a year ago when I felt like everything was falling apart.




Monday, October 31, 2016

Happy Halloween

I can't believe that Halloween is now officially over and we are on our way to the Christmas season. But, let's not forget about Thanksgiving. And now the Christmas movies and music begin. Although, I actually really enjoy  Christmas movies



Happy Halloween from Lucky!!


Of course it's not Halloween without Candy Corn

This reminds me of Lucky

Spooky decorations for Halloween

My Halloween Nails

Me as a Black cat with my Harley Rose

Then I became a Vampire Cat thanks to Snapchat


And I passed out candy to the kids. Then I watched The Purge: Election year. I had to get at least a couple scary movies in for Halloween. But, Sadly I didn't watch Hocus Pocus this year. And of Course had to eat some Halloween candy. I tried the Butterfinger Reese's pieces. 

Now, time for Thanksgiving and Christmas. 







Friday, October 28, 2016

Friday Favorites

My Top Five Friday Favorites this week are...

1.) My Favorite Quote: "Beauty Begins the moment you decide to be yourself" said by Coco Chanel. I love this quote. For a long time I struggled to be myself. It can be hard to find your authentic voice at times. To speak your truth. To find you inner and outer beauty. The moment I started living as myself my confidence started to grow. This is something I am still trying to find. My voice...my truth...my authenticity. But, it is happening. 



   



2.) The Fall leaves. The Trees changing. Fall is one of my favorite seasons. I love the cool crisp air. When you are not freezing literally. And you can put a sweater on and still enjoy the cool air. The changing season. It always reminds me that everything is constantly changing. If I don't like the direction I'm headed it can always be changed. Just like the season. 





 3.) Sipping Coffee on a Sunday morning with my new leggings. Can you believe I've never worn leggings before? These are so comfy and soft. And my owl cup. Just another reason I love Sunday mornings. 




4.) My Panda Bear Halloween Look. This was so much Fun. I'm not sure if I am going to do this look or something different for Halloween. But, it's always fun playing with makeup.





5.) My fist time making Cheddar Bay biscuits. These are so yummy! 





What are some of your favorite things for the week?

Thursday, October 27, 2016

Posts I Haven't Published

I've so many thoughts and ideas swirling around in my brain lately. And so many ideas for blog posts. Both new and old that I haven't quite hit publish on yet or haven't finished that I hope to someday hit publish on.

So many things have changed for me over the years. Since I started this blog almost 3 years ago.







So here are some thoughts unpublished...

Living with Anxiety: A post I started a few years ago. There are so many misconceptions about anxiety and panic attacks. I really wanted to write a post on what it's actually like to live and deal with anxiety and panic attacks on a daily basis. Also, as a sort of therapy for me. Writing and blogging are very theraputic for me. But, I am also a very personal person and wasn't quite sure I wanted to hit publish on this one.

What 27 Taught Me: I was going to publish this when I turned 28. But, now I'm almost 30. So, I guess I will have to write what 29 taught me. Or what my 20's taught me in general since I'm no longer going to be in them. And yes my 20's taught me so much both good and bad.

Why we need Sistership: No I'm not just talking about blood sisters. I'm talking about friendships. This was something I really didn't know a whole lot about. I was an only child except for half sisters. And I never really had any close girlfriends. But, this year I've learned a lot about sisterhood and friendship. And I joined my first sistership circle.

The Queen: What she is teaching me: No I don't mean the queen of England.  I mean the Queen archetype. Last month I learned a whole lot about the sovereign queen. Between my sistership circle and other women circles. Which I never even knew existed. With all these goddess divine feminine embracing women. Which, I started listening to in the summer after a very difficult time in my life. Which I will eventually write about. And now that I'm almost 30 I feel it's really time for me to step into my Queen. This year I feel like I've really grown up.

A Fearless Heart: This post is about my grandma. I've written about her before . But, this year I feel like she's really been with me. I have her name as my middle name and this year more then ever I've embraced it. She was truly a fearless woman.

So these are some of my unpublished or unfinished thoughts that hopefully one day will get posted.




Wednesday, October 26, 2016

How I got my Creative Spark Back


How I got my Creative Spark Back 



A Few months ago or should I say actually more like a year ago I felt my creative mojo just disappeared. Or maybe I never felt like I really had it in the first place. I was writing blog posts and working on my books and some days the inspiration would hit me like a jolt and some days I would wake up and be spinning not knowing what to write or say. Dare, I say it but I felt like my life was boring. Until it got not so boring but not in a good way. 

I'm not ready to go into all of that but let's just say my life has changed dramatically. No, I didn't pack my bags and move to India. Although doing something completely random did and still does cross my mind. And yes it still is on my Bucket list to go to India...Someday. 

But, I kept getting bouts of illness. Chronic pneumonia, colds, and flus. I knew it was a sign that my body was trying to tell me something. I was overworked and overstressed. My creative mojo was non existent. I had no motivation left. I had lost that spark for my blog, my spark for writing, my spark for creating, and really that spark that makes me...well me. 

But, did I ever really know who I was to begin with. I always tried to be the good girl and be what other people wanted me to be. I smiled but inside I felt miserable. Miserably emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I had tried to keep up with my Kundalini yoga practice and meditation. I was making so much progress but with chronic illness everything I loved and enjoyed doing slipped by me. And with it my creative mojo and spark. 

Eventually I ended up having to move out of my apartment. That's another story for another time when I'm ready to share. I saw my life go into a box. I had to put all my stuff in storage and stay with a relative. 

During this time I felt completely lost. Completely unspiritual. And completely unmotivated. I felt like everything that made me...me was taken away. And I didn't know how to get that back. 

I started going back to spiritual practices and creativity. It was a slow process. I started resting and finally got better. Once I was well I was more open and receptive to what the universe was bringing my way. It was baby steps not big leaps. All of a sudden synchronicity started coming my way again. Once I stopped trying to control and do and was just an empty vessel ready to receive. 

All of these spiritual conferences and webinars kept popping up into my inbox. Isn't the universe funny like that? For the first time in a long time I started investing in myself. I took time to wake up early and before bed would listen to these amazing powerful women speak. I felt my inner feminine reemerging. With it my spark and creativity was coming alive again. I was bursting with ideas. I knew I wanted to blog again but I decided to just invest in having my blog redone to begin with. I needed a change and so did my blog. I knew I wanted to write again and ideas flooded to me in my sleep. Books came my way like The Artists Way by Julia Cameron. I started my morning pages and journaling again. I knew I wanted to help other women gain confidence back in themselves as well. This blog post came to my mind and creative sphere. I started thinking about all the things that helps me to get my creative mojo back. I use these in no particular order and I don't claim to have a monopoly on all these practices. 

Music

Mantra and meditation Music especially. I love Kundalini yoga and the mantras always spark my creativity.  Tweet: Sometimes it's in the stillness of meditation or being carried away by a melody of music that we find our creative force our creative mojo. Sometimes I just want to listen to Beyonce and let my inner goddess reign through the music. Tweet: It's whatever your soul jives with that is right for you. 
Tweet:  It's whatever your soul jives with that is right for you.
Some of my Favorite mantras are: Wah Yantee a powerful Kundalini yoga meditation/mantra for creativity and intuition. Sometimes we get stuck and stagnant. I felt like I had completely lost my inner voice. I found myself numbing out with TV and the internet instead of taking time for myself. Don't get me wrong I'm human and can get swept up in modern technology. But, Sometimes we need to disconnect and find our own voice. Tweet: sometimes we need to disconnect and find our own voice. This is a perfect mantra for listening to your heart and getting out of your head.

One of my Favorite versions is from Snatam Kaur. She has a beautiful voice.
Wah yantee kar yantee, jag dut patee,
aadak it waha, brahmaday trayshaa guroo, it wahay guroo

The Translation is Great Macroself, Creative Self. All that is creative through time, all that is the Great One. Three aspects of God: Brahma, Vishnu, Mahesh. That is Wahe Guru.

From http://www.spiritvoyage.com/blog/index.php/mantra-for-intuition-wah-yantee/

My second favorite kundalini mantra is Aud Gureh Nameh 

This is a mantra for protection to be chanted 3X.  My favorite version is from jai-Jagdeesh. 

Aad Gureh Nameh, Jugaad Guray Nameh, Sat Guray Nameh, Siri Guroo Dayvay Nameh

Translation:
I bow to the primal Guru
I bow to the truth that has existed throughout the ages
I bow to True Wisdom
I bow to the Great Divine Wisdom



When you cannot be protected, this mantra shall protect you. When things stop, and won’t move, this makes them move in your direction. - Yogi Bhajan

From http://www.spiritvoyage.com/mantra/Aad-Gureh-Nameh/MAN-000020.aspx

Since I've been chanting this and when I chant it I feel such a sense of peace. I feel like I've been protected from things these past few months since I started chanting this mantra.

You can put some positive uplifting music on. I'm really diggin' listening to Rise from Katy Perry, Road Less Traveled by Lauren Alaina, and When the crazy kicks in by Francesca Battsistelli.



Move Ya Body



Sometimes you need to just get up and take a dance break. Move ya body when you are feeling down. Moving your body helps to elevate your happy serotonin levels. Even moving for 5-10 minutes can help a lot.

I love doing yoga for moving my body. Or learn to Bellydance. (That's on my Bucket list)  Or you can go hug a puppy if you can't exercise. (Insert cute puppy emoji)

I love spending time with my kitties. They always brighten my day. (insert cute photo of fur babies)




Meditation


Sometimes we just need quiet. I love getting up early in the morning in the stillness and doing my morning pages. 

The Artist's way has really kicked my butt in getting back to journaling and writing. One morning I woke up early after a trying week and wrote down about my life at 70. It brought me to tears. Because I could clearly see my future. My goals and dreams all wrapped up. 

Exercise: Get out your journal and write about your life when you are 60, 70, or 80. If you are in your 60's, 70's or 80's then props to you. 

I also started Let it Out by Katie Dalebout. She is an inspiration to me. Someone who always wanted to write but finally went after her dream. And it paid off in an unexpected way. 

Tweet: 
Go After your Dreams you never know when or how they will pay off




Sometimes, I will just sit and look at my vision board. I actually have three of them. I highly encourage you to make one if you haven't already. 

Sometimes I will just sit on my yoga mat and sing mantras as my meditation. 

Who says meditation has to be boring? 

But, something always comes up to inspire me when I listen to music, move my body, or just sit in stillness. 











The Queen: A Poem

She dances, she dreams, she bleeds, she cries, she fights, but still she stands.

 She is rooted to Mother Earth. Gaia. She burns anger, she burns love, she burns bliss, she burns passion, she burns sensuality, she burns creativity.

 She is shakti. She is a love elixir. She is dripping honey. She is pure gold. She is the darkness. She is the light. She is a lioness. She is a warrioress.

 Love pours out of her womb and heart onto the world.

 She is a goddess
 She is a sovereign queen
 She stands alone
 She stands with her king


Monday, July 6, 2015

The Power of The Heart



Too often people including myself let our fears and ego get in the way of being authentic. We try to be what is masculine, or feminine, what society tells us we should be, or even what we think our family/ spouse/ or public wants us to be. Instead of just living from our heart center. 

So many times I let my fear get the best of me. I hid my authentic self behind shyness or acting a certain way because I thought that is how someone else wanted me to be. I was in relationships were I hid all my feelings or spoke up without thinking of how I might hurt someone else. Those actions were created out of fear and not love and compassion. 

Seeing another persons raw emotions can scare us because in that moment we see a reflection of ourselves. We run from the emotions we perceive as "Bad." We make light of a situation were someone is exposing their raw emotions and even can ignore our own emotions. 

A couple of months ago I was going through a situation were I felt like my heart had been shattered. I would normally run from these emotions. This time I focused on my heart center. Instead of grabbing onto something outside myself to ignore my feelings I sat in meditation and did a heart kriya almost daily for a month. I meditated on my heart chakra. I pictured my heart opening up. I dug deep to my authentic self. 




Since that time I am more open to being my authentic self. I have stopped relying so much on the external. I have lost excess weight my body was holding on to. I am at a point of no turning back. Even if I wanted to I don't think I could. Change is scary but it is also necessary to live an authentic life.