Thursday, November 3, 2016

What I know today I wish I knew a Year ago



One year ago I felt like things were crumbling around me. Two years ago we had to leave our house. A house I had been in since I was 18 years old. A house I was proposed to in. A house  I had lived in with my Grandma until she passed away. And some not so good memories. Like when the basement flooded. Or the ceiling started to fall down.

But, it was what I had known for a really long time. So, we ended up moving into an apartment.

But, it seemed that it wouldn't last. I am not going to blame anyone but we had to move out quickly. And it was not by choice. I was devastated. I felt like I was finally settling in and things were getting better. Then I had the rug pulled out from underneath me. On top of that I was severely sick. Trying to pack when you have pneumonia is not fun. I had just gotten out of the hospital. I was crying and packing and scared out of my mind. I literally had no where to go. I thought I was going to have to give up my cats and that completely broke my heart.

I had a relative offer to take me in. That saved me but it was no piece of cake. I am thankful but personalities clashed and it was a very depressing time for me. I am just grateful I got to keep my kitties.

There where many nights I cried and wondered how this happened. Maybe if I had made different choices in my life this wouldn't have happened. I felt like my anxiety was a hindrance on me and it held me back from living my life to the fullest. I blamed myself. I decided it was time to start getting out of my comfort zone and facing my fears. A few times I did things I normally wouldn't I felt like my heart was going to leap out of my chest. But, I made it through. Don't get me wrong I don't plan on going to a rock concert anytime soon. But, I've gotten out my comfort zone and dealt with my anxiety in many different ways. I'm a lot better then I used to be.

If I could go back I'm not sure if I would change anything. I truly do believe that everything happens for a reason. I would tell myself that things will get better then worse then better. But, that you are a survivor. You always make it through. Even in the dark times you pull yourself through it. Even when you feel like giving up don't because things will get better. They always do. I would of told myself how proud of myself I was for taking baby steps and facing my fears. And even if things didn't work out as planned don't regret the chances I took. Even if they seemed small to others they were huge to me. Yes maybe there were some things I would change. I really learned the importance of taking care of myself. Something I'm still trying to implement into my life. But, in the end it all worked out. I did eventually find an apartment and I didn't lose my cats. I'm still facing my fears and growing as a person on a daily basis. This is not the end of the road of my journey. I know I will face more ups and downs but I feel prepared to handle them. Something I wouldn't have probably said a year ago when I felt like everything was falling apart.