Wednesday, October 8, 2014

In memory of my grandma

Happy Birthday to my Beautiful Grandma. You are thought about and loved daily but especially today on your Birthday. RIP. <3 

My grandma died two years ago in early December. She was in her 80's. She was a beautiful, vibrant, strong, and at times fiery woman. She had auburn hair and hazel eyes. She was born in Ohio with a stay at home mom my great-grandmother who was affectionately called Noni. And my great-grandfather who I never got the chance to know as he died not too long after I was born. My grandmother was a ballerina. She loved to dance, act, and sing. She was one of the most talented people I have ever known.

 She raised two daughters by herself. She didn't always put her children first but really there is no perfect parent. She did the best she could at the time. She had many odd jobs and even worked as a weather girl. She acted in plays and danced on Broadway. She even posed for a couple of magazines as a model. When she was in her late teens she ran off to New York. She stayed there for one year living the life she had dreamed of. But, it was not meant to be as someone broke into her apartment. After that she sunk into a depression and had an almost nervous breakdown. She packed her bags and went back home.

 She soon got married and had my aunt then divorced. Then married and had my mom and then divorced. I realize now just how strong she was. I think that is where I get my strength from. She lived her life to the fullest.

 When she was in her 60's she got uteran cancer. She had to get a hysterectomy and got radiation treatments. I remember after she had her surgery and I went to visit her. I was just a kid and was very scared and not totally realizing what was going on with her. But, being the strong woman she is she beat the cancer.

 Then in her 80's she was diagnosed with stage 4 vulva cancer. She had the surgery and it didn't go so well. there was more cancer then they thought. After the surgery she got a bad infection. I was the one who noticed it. We promptly called the paramedics. The doctors said I probably saved her life. They gave her a few rounds of antibiotics and she ended up in a rehab facility for about a month recovering.

 She was healthy although not fully herself when the cancer spread again with a vengeance this time. There was no surgery at this point they had taken out all they could. Now it was radiation treatment. They said it would probably only extend her life another few months. But, my grandma wanted to try. She wanted to live for as long as possible. As long as she could still function she wanted to fight. The American Cancer Society helped us to get her to her cancer treatments. They paid for the cab ride there and back. Some of the cab drivers even waited until her treatments where done. It meant a lot to us since my mom and me don't drive.

 The doctors where right. The cancer dissipated but did not disappear. A few months later me and my mom realized we could not take care of her. One day we had been gone for the day and came home to her on the floor. She had fallen out of bed and couldn't get back up. We where terrified. She was okay but we decided it was time for her to go to hospice. this was not ideal but for us it was something we felt had to be done. She was also in constant pain and her prescription pain pills where no longer helping.

 We stayed with her that week as the nurses gave her morphine. lots and lots of morphine. She was in and out of conciseness the whole time. But, we tried to talk to her as much as possible and hold her hand. I do think she heard us when we spoke to her. We told her it was okay for her to go. She could leave this world. I think she was finally ready.

 She passed away early December around 1:30 in the morning. I remember because ironically I had just woken up and couldn't go back to sleep. I wonder if this was her spirit nudging me saying goodbye. After that me and my mom both thought we could hear her calling us. Maybe it was grief but, I don't think it was. Another thing that happened was one day the radio turned on by itself. It was not a dial tone it was a push button. Where it actually had to be switched to on. That had never happened before with that radio and it has not happened since.

 After my grandma passed away I was severely depressed. I was also dealing with other things in my life at that time as well. For a while I had kind of gave up on believing anything. I felt like I was in my own little bubble and the sadness was taking over. Not to long after that I started reading everything I could get my hands on about the after life. I started watching the medium shows. I have to say it gives me comfort. I know she is in a better place and a place she needs to be. I know she still looks out for me and my mom. I know her spirit is still around and when we die we don't get sucked up into some void of nothingness. At least this is my personal belief. Sometimes I think I feel her and sometimes I feel like she is gone. I keep a picture of her. I look at it for comfort. I celebrate her birthday with her favorite things. She is gone but she will never be forgotten.

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  1. She is so pretty! What an amazing story of being divorced a couple times in that generation.... that was unheard of then! And to battle cancer a couple times is pretty tough. Sorry for your loss but it sounds like she lived a full and amazing life. I hope you are recovering from the depression and if not, that you are seeking help. It is the best thing anyone could do.

    1. Thank you for the comment and kind words. My Grandma lived a very full life. I still miss her everyday and have learned it never goes away but it does get better over time. I know she is in a better place and no longer has to live with and battle pain on a daily basis. Dealing with my depression has been an ongoing experience since I've dealt with that long before my grandma passed away. But, I try to just take it one day at a time. Some days are better then others.

  2. Your grandmother sounds like a truly amazing woman! I'd love to read more about her life as a ballerina and actress. She lived her life to the absolute fullest and not many people can say that.

    1. Thank you for the comment and kind words. She sure did live her life to the fullest. She was a beautiful and amazing woman. I wish I knew more about her ballerina and acting days. She did those things before I was born. She told me some of it but not nearly enough. You are right not many people can say they lived their life to the fullest like she did.


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